The Miracle of Birth

Doctor 1: Graham Chapman

Doctor 2: John Cleese

Administrator: Micheal Palin

Husband: Eric Idle

(Doctors playing 52-pickup)

1: One thousand and eight!

Nurse: Mrs. Morten's contracitons are more frequent.

1: Take her to the fetus frightening room.

(Generic dramatic hospital music)

2: It's a bit barren in here isn't it.

1: Yes...more aparatus please nurse. The EEG the BP monitor and the AVV.

Nurse: Yes certainly docotr.

2: And uh, get the machine that goes *PING*.

1: And get the most expensive machines in case the Administrator comes.

1: Jolly good, that's better that's much much better

2: That's more like it.

1: There's still something missing man....

1: & 2: Hmm........patient!

1: Where's the patient..

2: Where's the patient..

Nurse: Ahh... here she is!

2: Bring it over here.

2: Do be careful, mind the machines!

Nurse: Yes Doctor..

1: Come along..

1: Well hello, don't you worry..

2: ..we'll soon have you cured..

1: ..leave it all to us you'll never know what hit you.

2: Goodbye!

1: Goodbye!

2: Trips up!

1: Injections!

2: Can I put the tube in the baby's head?

1: Only if I can do the Episiotomy.

2: O-kay.

1: Legs up.

2: Come in, come in...come in all of you..that's it.

1: Who are you?

Husband: I'm the husband.

1: I'm sorry, only people involved are allowed in here.

Wife: What do I do?

2: Yes?

Wife: What do I do??

2: Nothing dear, your not QUALIFIED!

1: Leave it to us.

Wife: What's that for?

1: That's the machine that goes *PING*, you see that means you baby is still alive!

2: And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital!

1: Yes it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.

2: Aren't you lucky!

Nurse: The administrator is here doctor.

1: Switch everything on!

(Click--bizz--*PING*)

Ad: Very impressive, very impressive...and what are you doing this morning?

1: It's a birth.

Ad: Ahh, what sort of thing is that?

2: Well that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.

Ad: Wonderful what we can do nowadays.

*PING*

Ad: Ah! I see you have the machine that goes *PING*! This is my favouite, you see we lease this back from the company we sold it too and that way it comes under the current budget, and NOT the capitol account.

(clapping)

Ad: Thank you, thank you, we try to do our best, well do carry on.

Nurse: Ohh the vulva's dialating doctor!

1: Oh yes there's the head.

2: Oh yes.

1: Four centimeters....five...six centimeters..

2: LIGHTS!

1: Amplify the ping machine..

*PING*

2: Surfs up!

1: Suction.

2: Eyes down for a full house.

1: Heeeere it comes...and....frighten it!

2: And the rough towels..

1: Show it to the mother... that's enough.

2: Right! Sedate her.

1: Number the child.

2: Measure it, blood type it, annnnndd...isolate it!

(Slam)

Nurse: O-kay, shows over.

Wife: A boy or a girl?

1: Now I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it don't you?

Now a word of advice, you may find that you will suffer for some time a total irrational feeling of depression, PMD as we doctors call it, so it's lots of happy pills for you, and you can find out all about the birth when you get home, it's available on BETA, VHS, and Super 8.

*PING*