Medical Love Song

from "Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album"

Transcribed circa 1984 by Rich Holmes (rich@suhep.bitnet). As McCoy would say, I'm a particle physicist, dammit, not a doctor. Most of the medical terms were checked with either a medical dictionary or a slang dictionary and are probably right. The ones marked with an asterisk either (1) sound like what was sung but aren't in any dictionary I could find or (2) in a dictionary but don't sound like what was sung. Second opinions welcomed.

Inflammation of the foreskin
Reminds me of your smile
I've had balanital chancroids
For quite a little while
I gave my heart to NSU [Non-Specific Urethritis]
That lovely night in June
I ache for you, my darling,
And I hope you'll get well soon

My penile warts, your herpes,
My syphilitic sore,
Your monilial infection
How I miss you more and more
Your *dobies itch my *scrum-pox
Ah, lovely gonorrhea
At least we both were lying
When we said that we were clear

My clapped-out genitalia
Is not so bad for me
As the complete and utter failure
Every time I try to pee
I'm dying from your love, my love,

I'm your spirochetal clown
I've left my body to science,
But I'm afraid they've turned it down

Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal balanitis
Meningomyelitis
*Diplococcal *catholitis
Epidydimitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic coronitis
And anterior *ureitis.

-- Graham Chapman