When we think of family, we usually think of our parents, children, relatives, spouses, and very close friends. When we say, "he's family to me", we mean it as a very special compliment. By family, we generally mean those people who are related to us by bloodline, marriage, or friendship, who have participated significantly in our development, and who give us unconditional social, psychological, spiritual, and financial support. In short, we love our family, and they love us.
Another way of saying this is that by
Within a long-term relationship, we can make long-range plans. One of the
most important of these is
Long-term relationships can form the base for other long-range plans as well,
such as building a house, changing careers, relocating, and saving up for old
age. If we were to make a career move to another state, we would probably expect
our children to move with us, but would probably not expect our neighbors to
do so. Some of the following family expectations might seem familiar to you:
In the past, these have been matters of the
In retrospect, the nuclear family has been an unmitigated disaster. We have a
national divorce rate approaching 50%, and an abundance of broken families and
absentee parents, not to mention higher crime rates, lowered educational
standards, and increased drug abuse. Our philosophy of rugged individualism
has led us to a national feeling of loneliness, distance, and alienation.
For many of us, our family may be distant, nonexistant, or otherwise unavailable. This is especially true for those of us who have no brothers or sisters, or
who grew up in broken homes or dysfunctional families. Some of us may have chosen
to have no children of our own. As we age, we will become empty-nesters, and
begin losing our aunts and uncles, parents, and eventually our siblings and
lifetime friends, through the attrition of disease and death. So for many of us who
choose to share our lives with others, family will be something we build, rather than
something we inherit.
Our intentional community, Sharingwood, is a cohousing community. Cohousing communities are made of individual households, and a household is
most often a nuclear family or a single adult with children. Some households
have renters, but they are generally not considered part of the householder's
family. While some resources, such as canoes, hot tubs, and video cameras, may be
shared, significant expenses, such as houses, cars, and college educations,
are generally not shared, and income is not shared at all, except within a
household. Any household which suddenly finds itself without income would probably be
forced to leave the community.
Ask yourself what happens to your community during Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Very few intentional communities are real families. Most of them, however,
work well as a
What about friends? Like the word community, the word friendship covers a lot
of diverse territory. Some friendships can outlast marriages, and we are usually
careful to distinguish between just friends, good friends, and best friends.
Like good lovers, good friends can also make the transition to family. Unlike
lovers, however, few of them ever become live-in family. Before we look at
live-in relationships, however, let's take a brief look at intimacy and
intention.
Living together with another person provides an opportunity for sharing a
great many experiences. In addition to birthdays, personal crises, life
transitions, and the rest, we can share breakfast dishes, daily newspapers, and spectacular
sunsets. This breadth of experiences is generally not available to long-
distance friends or lovers. However, just because we can share a great many
experiences does not mean we will share them, or that these shared experiences
will have any significant depth.
Many of us have had the experience of living with an absentee roommate.
Roommates are generally not family, nor do they wish to be so, and a beautiful
sunset may not be able to compete with a bowling night. What separates live-
in friends or lovers from mere roommates or housemates is the intention to be
family. Without this intention, experiences are not shared, and the co-
habitants fail to become family.
From this point on, we will call a group of friends or lovers living together
with the intention of forming a family an intentional family.
The intention to form a family requires the commitment to do so. Not all
shared experiences will be pleasant. Washing the breakfast dishes is one experience;
not washing them is another. Commitment means hanging in there through the
unpleasant experiences so that we are available to share the pleasant ones.
It is the commitment of friends and lovers within an intentional family that
enables it to strengthen and grow, and thereby to support long-range plans.
There is another economic reason for creating intentional family. At the end
of World War II, one adult could afford the mortgage on a home. Typically, the
father worked and the mother stayed at home and raised the children. Nowadays, it
takes two working adults to afford a home, and in most nuclear families, both
parents have jobs. Presently, it will take three working adults to afford a
home. We are already seeing adult children returning home to live with their
parents, and more households than ever are taking on renters.
While the relationship of adult children to their parents can vary, the
relationship of landlord to tenant is seldom a pleasant one. There is no commitment to
share experiences, and no intention to form a family. Problems arise whenever the
landlord sets policies, telling the tenant what to do or not to do. The
landlord is generally empowered to evict the tenant with only thirty days notice.
This is hardly the basis for a long term relationship.
When landlords and tenants live together, the situation is even worst. Having
no intention to share experiences, they live mostly separate lives, relating only
through conflict and control issues.
One of the more destructive forces in intentional community is the need for
its members who have not found a loving sexual relationship inside the community
to seek this relationship outside the community. A community may suddenly find
itself with members whose time, attention, and energy are being spent primarily outside of the community. Or the community might find itself living
with the lovers of its members, who may or may not participate in the community, and who do not necessarily share its values.
Some intentional communities may choose to confront members who are no longer
actively contributing to the community, or who have taken live-in lovers whose
values differ substantially from those held by the community. Unfortunately,
the result of this confrontation is all too often that the community loses a
valued member. And while a community of forty adults can probably survive the
loss of a member, an intentional family of four would be severely disrupted.
Some of us may have had the experience of living platonically with a roommate
who subsequently fell in love with someone else. Perhaps we didn't see our
roommate for weeks at a time, or perhaps we suddenly found ourselves sharing our non-
smoking household with a smoker. In either case, we might have been tempted
to find a new roommate or household to live in, if our roommate didn't move
out first.
To prevent an intentional family from being pulled apart by external
relationships, it is preferable that loving sexual relationships be available within the
family. Note that this is a preference, not a requirement. For example, two intimate
couples could join together in friendship to create a very stable intentional
family.
Our next generation will probably live in households of three or more adults,
many of whom will be renters. Instead, we have a chance to pioneer a new
social order which emphasizes family above household. This will take courage,
persistance, and a sincere desire to share our lives with others.
[Martin and Karen are thinking about extending their family to three or four
adults. If you are about 50, and would like to talk to them about intentional family,
please write them at 22116 East Lost Lake Rd., Snohomish, WA 98290, or call
them at 360 668-1931, or send e-mail to lammas@earthlink.net.] [ Main | About Us | Events | Members | Resources | Forum | Rings ]Who raises your children?
The Great Experiment
As our country grew, we expanded Westward in search of homesteads and new
economic opportunites. At the end of World War II, we began a new experiment,
called the Intentional communities
Intentional communities vary greatly in the degree to which they can function
as a family. Some share income and expenses, and can offer most of the
financial support of a family, assisting career changes, furthering education, and even
providing retirement facilities. Others are centered on interpersonal growth,
and can provide much needed psychological and moral support. However, the
answer to the question "How do intentional communities rate as a family?" is
probably "Not very well".
Creating a family
One powerful shortcut to creating a family is to marry into an existing
family. By attaching ourselves to a specific bloodline, we become de facto members of
a new family. For example, If our son brings a total stranger home and
announces "We're going to have a baby!", this stranger will likely become part of our
family very quickly. A new lover is likely to make the transition to family more
quickly than a new friend. In general, we recognize that the intimacy of a sexual
relationship can lead quickly to family.
Intimacy and intention
Instead of looking at the depth of a relationship, let's consider its volume,
that is, its length, breadth, and depth. Relationships grow stronger as experiences
are shared, and the strength of a relationship can be roughly measured by the
length of time we have shared, the breadth of experiences we have shared, and
how deeply we have shared them. A weekend seminar, the group equivalent of a
one-night stand, has some breadth, and some depth, but not much length.
Growing up in a small town can mean sharing a great many experiences with
other residents, at some length, but generally without much depth.
Economics
Living together as an intentional family also makes good economic sense. Some
of the same factors that reduce the cost of living in intentional community
apply in miniature to intentional family. Friends and lovers living in an intentional
family can share food, clothing, cars, magazines, the washing machine, the bathroom
scale, and, quite literally, the kitchen sink. Because living together in the
same house greatly increases opportunities for communication, it is probably
easier to share some resources, such as cars, in an intentional family than in
an intentional community.
Why lovers?
We have defined intentional family as friends and lovers living together with
the intention of being family. Why lovers? We have already seen that a
sexual relationship is a shortcut to intimacy. This, however, is not the primary
reason why loving sexual relationships should exist within an intentional family.
In Summary
We have seen that intentional families are formed by friends and lovers who
are committed to living together with the intention of making long term plans and
sharing a lifetime of experiences. There are many challenges to be met in
forming an intentional family in a society which legally and socially recognizes only
the two-adult nuclear family. How do we find others to create our family?
How do we make decisions and handle conflicts? Where do we go for advice and
support? How do we create houses that are especially comfortable for intentional
families? What existing legal structures might we use for ownership? How do
we become socially acceptable?
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Submitted on 2/26/98 to the SeaPoly list by Susan at SensSuzy@aol.com