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Your Laughter is my Light

Reiko was curled up in her blankets, listening to the quiet sounds that were coming from outside the room, distant voices, booted footsteps. Locked in again. I'm not certain it it's for my own good this time, or because they're afraid of what I'm going to do. She could feel the hunger now, a steady beat of pain in her body. She could have disappeared, found some poor town guard, slaked the hunger at least enough to clear her head and quell the pain, but instead had let Panda lead her to this room and lock her in. Without Griffon this time, so she didn't even have the comfort of his presence to distract her.

At least Griffon didn't regard her any differently. The only other one who hadn't seemed surprised was the Lady, who had nodded as if she had just had a suspicion confirmed. I need to be more careful of the Lady. She's smarter than she looks. The rest--she had thought that she might become friends with some of them, at least. She'd seen the looks in their eyes, a new wariness, a little more distance put between her and them. Only Tomika and Haku had seemed not to care, and Griffon. Everything was strange and new to Griffon.

"I am a kitsune." The words felt odd in her mouth. She looked around, Grandmother Lin wasn't back yet from wherever she'd gone when Reiko had realized that it was her who'd been keeping this knowledge from her. For at least a century. Possibly longer. How old am I?

She paused. Tilted her head. Zhane was sitting on the floor, the rest arrayed around the room. It was silent. Why were they silent? She was awake, they should all be weighing in on what had happened today. She'd died, for goodness' sake! They should be scolding her for her carelessness. Something. Anything. She shifted uneasily, realizing that the only two voices she'd heard clearly for the past few weeks were Zhane and Lin, and the rest had been growing even more quiet as the days went on. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

Zhane said something, and Reiko frowned. "That's odd. I almost understood you. Something about power..." Lin. It all comes back to Lin. I swear she has answers she's not sharing.

She thought on what she knew of kitsune. Spirit foxes, demon foxes, they were called. They all had two shapes, not three like the hengeyokai--fox and woman. Adored for their kindness and charm, feared for their power. And they all drank other people's lives, usually during sex. Often just a little, but sometimes they would drain someone to death.

"Is that what I've been doing? Feeding on my lovers? It explains the hunger I get when I haven't had one for a while, but...why didn't I know what I am? I've never heard a story of a kitsune who forgot who she was!" She shivered. It was too much, this understanding of the hunger that drove her. Could she live with it, now that she knew?

Another thought occurred to her. What else don't I remember? I could have done anything--and I heard, at the sundial, Grandmother Lin saying "she's done it again". Done what again? There are so many little pieces here, and I don't understand any of it.

One of her spirits floated over to her--Setto, the warlord and samurai. She tried not to have favorites, but in her heart of hearts she had to admit that she loved him better than any of the rest. Lord Akechi reminded her quite a bit of Setto, really, one reason she'd been happy in his service. He laid a transparent hand on her cheek and looked into her eyes, not speaking. She asked him, "What?"

He shook his head. His voice was quieter than she was used to, as if he were standing farther away from her than he was. "Rei. Love. I would not see you so unhappy."

"Then explain to me, Setto. What do you know? Why hasn't anyone told me?"

He seated himself next to her, cross-legged. His black eyes looked at her. "Lin is a powerful spirit. She has....influence, I suppose, over the rest of us. She has tampered with your memory, and with that of all of the rest of your spirits. Jane remembers, but only partially, and the knowledge she carries has driven her half-mad. She was never able to change my memory. The only thing she can do is silence me, and since she's currently not here, well."

Reiko pulled one knee to her chest and rested her chin on it. "How old am I? Do you know?"

"I died in...they've changed the calendar since then. About six centuries ago, give or take. I came to you immediately after."

She blinked. Six centuries. And she remembered none of it. And-- "Wait. You came to me right after you died? How? And why?"

Setto looked away from her. The silence stretched between them. The samurai's spirit finally spoke. "I have been imagining and dreading this conversation for a very long time, Rei. Forgive me if I am reluctant to speak. But I came to you right after I died because you were there when I passed from life to death."

"I was? But what happened? Who killed you?"

Another silence. Reiko raised her hand to her mouth, a terrible idea beginning to form in her mind. Surely--surely, it couldn't be what she was thinking--

He looked at her. "I died by your hand, Reiko."

Her first instinct to was to deny it, to tell him that she was no murderer. But...she already knew what she was. If a kitsune could feed on life energy, how much damage could one do if she didn't understand what she was? Could a kitsune kill accidentally?

Setto's eyes were grave. "In my case, I chose my death. Why is a long story, but to make it very short, it was the only way out that allowed me to keep any of my honor. I was bound for a traitor's grave, and whether I deserved that grave depends on who you listen to. But I knew what you were, and I encouraged you to drink deeply enough of me that I became what I am."

Reiko was shivering. "I don't remember--would it be better if I remembered?" She drew a shuddering breath. She might as well keep asking questions. "I suppose the rest, except for Lin, came to me through the same mechanism?"

"Almost all who came after me died after you fell in love with them and accidentally drew too much from them." Setto was watching her, gauging her with that measuring look that he so often wore.

"I remember--something. Lin. Saying, 'you kill. What you love, you kill.' It's true, isn't it?"

"It appears to be kitsune nature, to kill what you most love. But the fault lies largely with your grandmother, Reiko. She has kept you ignorant. If you knew what you were...most of us would have lived much longer than we did, because you would have known not to drink so deep. You can control it, and you do without knowing it. That's why most of your involvements have been short. You break things off before they get dangerous. But when you love, you are deadly without knowing it."

Reiko tilted her head. "We were lovers." She looked at Setto speculatively. Yes, his bearing was most attractive, the hint of power that seemed to be part of his most basic nature. She would have wanted him, right enough.

Setto smiled. "You were my wife. Fox, human, it made no difference to me. You feared nobody and nothing, and you encouraged me to follow my destiny to become what I was meant to be."

She raised an eyebrow. "How long--"

"Eight years. You knew what you were, then. We had an arrangement that allowed you to feed on people other than me, which contributed greatly to the lifespan of our marriage--and my lifespan, as well." He looked at her, his greying topknot falling over one shoulder, a small smile on his lips. "I wanted to grow old with you by my side, but knew that I probably wouldn't be able to. I didn't anticipate that my spirit would be tied to yours for the rest of your life."

"It seems a shade more permanent than marriage, doesn't it?" Reiko rubbed her temples with her fingers, willing the headache that was threatening her to subside. "Have I been married since, do you know?"

"You picked up Lin about a century after I died. Before that, you didn't fall in love with anyone. And after, you never stayed with one person long enough to marry them."

"Wait. Lin doesn't predate you? I thought she was my ancestor."

He shook his head. "She's related to you. But for more than that, you'll have to ask her. We don't tell each other's stories."

She looked down at her fingers, tracing a design on her shin. "Do you regret it? Making this choice?"

"I...no. I do not, Rei. I have been angry at Lin for keeping you ignorant, I have been frustrated with Jane's methods of trying to keep what happened to her from happening again, and I think Kei needs a good hiding most of the time. But I have no regrets about my choice. The others had no choice, as far as I know. But I chose this. Chose you, knowing what it might mean."

She closed her eyes, slow tears sliding down her cheeks. "There are too many questions, Setto. How am I supposed to live when I know that people I get close to die? I have killed people and I don't even remember it. How do I justify what I take from people? Does what I give equal what I take? And, oh--" She gritted her teeth as the hunger swept through her again. "It hurts..."

His voice was soft and worried. "This is the worst I have ever seen you. You need to feed, Rei." She felt his insubstantial hand stroke her hair. "Even a little would help. You've gone too long without a lover. But if you hadn't found out today what you were, you would have killed the next person you slept with, just to slake your thirst. And Lin would have taken you again, and we would have had to start over."

"Funny what sort of clarity dying can bring to you. I think I know what I do, and I'll try to control it. If only I could get out!" She paused, thinking. "Is Lin going to take my memories again? How long do I have, now that I know what I am?"

"I don't know. This time was different. You've never died before. And over the years, you have been growing stronger, changing. You were fighting her control this time, all the time. Your kitsune self was even escaping her control on occasion. And Jane has been increasing in power, as well. There's a chance Lin won't be able to erase your memories this time. And there's a chance that you may recover what you've lost."

"What I've lost?"

He shook his head. "She took more than your memories. She took abilities that went along with those memories. You once spoke English more or less fluently. And you have been physician to a number of courts--a healer and a surgeon. Each of your lives, you have learned different things, and when Lin ended each of those lives when you killed one of your lovers, she also closed off access to abilities you'd gained during that life. I don't know what, if anything, you'll recover."

"I can study English with the librarian. Perhaps that will shake something loose." She got up and stretched, beginning to pace the room. Twelve paces one way. Twelve the other. The rhythm soothed her, dulled the pain. And then she stopped, listening. What was that? Silence, and then the sound of a key in the lock, turning with a click. More soft sounds, as of someone very light-footed padding away down the hall.

Reiko frowned and pulled on a robe. "Setto, who was that, do you know?" He shook his head. She opened the now unlocked door and peered out into the empty hall. "I could go--no, I ought to stay. I ought to. I--"

Setto, behind her, gave her a push and she took a half-step out into the hall. She glanced back, and his arms were crossed, and he was looking at her warningly. "Rei. You are kitsune. Go!"

The hunger twisted in her, and her amber eyes narrowed. She remembered an especially attractive guard who'd been attending Yasahiro when they'd visited him earlier today. He'd been on watch when they came in, which meant he'd be changing shifts just about now. Her lips curved in an unconsciously predatory smile. Yasahiro himself wasn't half bad, either, but she guessed that he was married. But if the opportunity arose...

She walked down the corridor, bare feet making little noise on the tile floor. And from the shadows, Yukiko watched her go with eyes watchful and considering.