Illume in Ten Minutes, Part 1: The Battle of Kyoto
[credits for the shamelessly swiped idea go to Cleolinda of Movies in 15 Minutes.]
[A recasting of the events in this journal entry.]
Kyoto, Fortress of Unfortunate Tactical Situations
PANDA: Okay, we're outnumbered approximately twenty to one here. Who votes for running like hell?
THE RETINUE: Me!
SARAN: My plans for moving up in the world include killing my direct superior in what I certianly hope will be a most bloody coup. By the way, General Nakasura, said superior who I am betraying THIS VERY MOMENT, is bringing some old dead chick back to life. Oh, yes, and he's been an idiot with where he's put his tent so he's pretty much as vulnerable as you can be in the middle of an army.
PANDA: Didn't you have an old dead chick attached to you, Reiko?
REIKO: AIUGH. Well, at least this way she'll be alive so I can kill her. Again.
PANDA: Erm. Again?
REIKO: She's my granddaughter. She was trying to kill me. It's a long backstory that nobody but Storm has read yet, all right?
PANDA: Whatever, crazy lady. Let's go kill Nakasura.
The General's Pavillion, at the back of the army
PANDA: I somehow cannot believe that they'd leave their rear ungaurded like this. Also, WTF is up with the general's tent being out of earshot of the rest of the army?
GRYPHON: Yo, wyverns in the sky. I'm hungry.
REIKO: You can eat the General, I promise.
GRYPHON: Woot! Dinner!
THE RETINUE: *argues about the best way to start the battle*
REIKO: *disappears*
HIROSHI: Typical. Just when I want to ask her a question, she's gone. *sneaks*
FUNITSU: *sneaks* *casts Sleep*
UNLUCKY GUARD: *snores gently*
LUCKY GUARD: *makes will save* Yo, boss. Somehow, I suspect that my companion's sleep isn't natural, given that we're guarding the tent of the most important person in the whole army and you freaking PAY us not to fall asleep on the job.
FUNITSU: Crap.
NAKASURA: I think I'm going to be overconfident here. Nothing a few wyverns can't handle. No need to call for the rest of the army. Also, I'm going to kill the guy who failed his Will save because he's obviously weak-minded. Not that I think I'm about to need an extra minion or two.
THE RETINUE: *fights*
TOMIKA: *gets her lightning on*
FUNITSU: Right, don't annoy the new wife. Got it.
TOMIKA: Too late.
PANDA: Guess we're not worried about being sneaky any more. *pulls out Sword of Much Thundering*
TOMIKA: I just saved YOUR boss from certian death, quit bitching.
WYVERNS: Rar.
GRYPHON: *slays minions*
PANDA: *smacks Nakasura with swords*
HIROSHI: *fights wyverns* *is stung* *fails save* *runs from wyverns*
TADAKI: *fights wyverns* *is stung* *fails save* *runs from wyverns* *falls asleep in sparrow form on the battlefield*
HAKU: *slays wyverns* *makes all his saves*
FUNITSU: *distracts a wyvern*
REIKO: *is still invisible and absolutely no help*
PANDA: *falls over in a stoic fashion*
NAKASURA: I am unaccountably frightened of the fast asleep and seemingly harmless sparrow at Haku's feet.
HAKU: I'm not one to fail to press an advantage. No matter how weird. YOU DIE NOW. *throws Nakasura around*
SLEEPING TADAKI: Please don't step on me.
TOMIKA: Would you get out of the way? *lightnings Nakasura*
NAKASURA: *dies*
LIN: *comes back to life*
REIKO: *attacks Lin* Damn, I'm only a fourth level shaman. No good offensive spells to speak of. Hey! COME BACK HERE!
GRYPHON: *kills wyvern that Lin's riding on*
LIN: *escapes anyway*
STORM: *chuckles evilly*
THE PLAYERS: Uh-oh, Lin's part of some nefarious plot. We can TELL.
REIKO: *drags the sleeping Hiroshi out of the general's tent* Oof, dude, you're heavier than you look. On the good side, you have interesting things in your pockets.
NAKASURA'S CORPSE: By the way, Lin's heading back to Arenro. You know, one of the two Big Scary People who've been chasing you.
REIKO: Never trust anyone whose soul you've torn from their living body, is the lesson to be learned here.
PANDA: . . .
PLOT POINT: *takes the form of Tadaki's orb capturing a fragment of an evil spirit*
THE RETINUE: *licks wounds*
GRYPHON: *eats Nakasura's corpse*
THE RETINUE: That's really kind of gross.
GRYPHON: Mmmmm, liver! The best part.
THE RETINUE: Ugh.
Somewhere in the middle of the army
HIROSHI: Hey, we killed Nakasura for you.
SARAN: There goes the planned entertainment for tomorrow. Guess I'll have to get the Chippendales in, after all. Hey, I like Kyoto. If I declare my loyalty to Yukiko, I can stay here and defend it.
HIROSHI: Sounds good.
SARAN: You're awfully sneaky for a librarian.
HIROSHI: I'm an archivist.
SARAN: That explains it, then.
Kyoto, Fortress of Non-Solitude
THE LADY: Saran, meet Yasahiro. Yasahiro, meet Saran. You'll be working together now.
YASAHIRO: I was supposed to DIE NOBLY defending Kyoto. Damnit. Remember? You convinced me not to kill myself after my dishonor by promsing me I could die in battle?
THE LADY: Quitcherbitchen.
REIKO: By the way, I'm Akechi's great- great- great- great- (lots more greats) grandmother.
PANDA: Funny, you don't look a day over two hundred.
FUNITSU: *snobs*
REIKO: Whatever.
PANDA: Hey, there's the ship. Time to go back to Hiroshima.
REIKO: Oh, yeah, and Arenro now knows everything Lin knows, and thus everything I know.
HAKU: That's the very last time we tell the fox anything.
REIKO: Seven centuries old at least and I GET NO RESPECT. Not that I care.
Boat, middle of the ocean
REIKO: *goes for a walk in Death*
SETTO: Oh, no you don't.
REIKO: *angsts*
SETTO: Hey, you helped raise Lin, not me. Not my fault she turned out to be a bitch.
REIKO: On the good side, I know how to break the bindings she left on me! I'll be free! All will love me and despair!
SETTO: Wrong mythos, Rei.
REIKO: Oops.
Boat, middle of the ocean
PANDA: You know, I really ought to have someone to pass my sword on to when I die. Since that's looking more and more likely, and all.
THE LADY: Maybe you ought to have thought about securing your bloodline BEFORE your Lord was captured and we became fugitives?
PANDA: Er.
THE LADY: Also, you might want to think about trying out the whole sex thing. You know, just for kicks. If you want an heir and all.
PANDA: *is stoic* I think I'll adopt.
Boat, middle of the ocean, still
THE LADY: So, I hear you were once noble.
REIKO: Officially, I'm still noble. I'm actually the ranking noble in the party, in large part because I'm a hell of a lot older than you kids. However, I'm not going to make an issue of it, so forget I said anything.
THE LADY: Cool by me. Woot, still in charge! What's this about you being married?
REIKO: Well, my husband is dead, but I'm still married to him, and he's invisible and I talk to him all the time.
THE LADY: That's nice, dear. You do realize you kind of scare me, right?
REIKO: That's really rather the point of being a kitsune.
THE LADY: Well, except for the part where you're scary not because you're powerful but because you're nuts.
REIKO: By the way, I promise not to eat any of your retinue.
THE LADY: Thanks. I think.
STILL on the damned boat
FUNITSU: She could wipe me out with a thought.
THE LADY: . . .
FUNITSU: That's so sexy.
THE LADY: LA LA LA CAN'T HEAR YOU.
Hiroshima, Hirohito's house
HIROHITO: Congratulations on your marriage, Funitsu. You've successfully annoyed Arenro. By the way, didn't I tell you to kill her?
FUNITSU: You didn't tell me she was third in line for leadership of the Crane Clan, you goob.
HIROHITO: Must have slipped my mind. *whistles*
TOMIKA: *is arch*
REIKO: Um, we kinda blew your cover. Well, I did, at least. It was one of my spirits, but it probably counts as me.
HIROHITO: And I'm not killing you now why?
REIKO: Because I'm cute? And also your ancestor?
HIROHITO: Whatever. Anyway, I'm not going to be your guy on the inside now. You'll have to find someone else to turn.
FUNITSU: Any suggestions?
HIROHITO: There's a Sparrow Hengeyokai who, conveniently enough, is from Tadaki's backstory. Might try him.
TADAKI: *is asleep*
HIROHITO: Oh, yeah, and The Lady's father is being advised by this chick named Emi, who is bad news. And also a Sparrow. Hint, hint.
TADAKI: *wakes up* Well, damn. You're right, she is bad news.
PANDA: How bad?
TADAKI: Killing-my-whole-village bad.
PANDA: Figures.
THE RETINUE: *plans pleasure cruise up the western coast of Japan*
VOICE OF LOGIC AND REASON: Why don't we do the sensible thing and flee the country? China's just to the west, and it's nice and big! We could get lost there for AGES!
THE RETINUE: *ignores Voice of Logic and Reason*
VOICE OF LOGIC AND REASON: Be that way, then. *sulks*
Hirohito's house, private conference room
HIROHITO AND THE LADY: *exchange information about the plot*
HIROHITO: You probably shouldn't tell your retinue any of this yet.
THE LADY: Okay. By the way, the kitsune's your ancestor.
HIROHITO: Well, that explains the fact that Akechi's nuts.
THE LADY: . . .
HIROHITO: I'm KIDDING.
THE LADY: Somehow, I didn't expect you to have a sense of humor.
HIROHITO: Nobody ever does. One of the prices one pays for being a mysterious and extremely isolationist warlord-type.
THE LADY: Right. Well, take care of yourself, we're off to Akita and then Hokkaido.
HIROHITO: Have fun.
Hirohito's house, generic common room
PANDA: We are off to Akita? Maybe I will pick up a fuzzy puppydog while we are there.
THE RETUNUE: . . .
PANDA: A Strong Canine Companion of the dignified type, I mean.
THE RETINUE: *breathes a sigh of relief*
GRYPHON: Doggies! I hear there is good eatin' on one of those things.
THE LADY: They'll give you indigestion. Better stick to sushi and generals.
GRYPHON: *burp*