...underneath my lucid skin...

1/2/1348
Evening
Madrid, Spain
The Temple of Epona

Callas sat at her desk, sifting sand on the last page she'd written with a deliberate motion. She closed her journal and wrapped it back in its leather and oilskin covers, and then flipped the cover closed on the light-rock lantern she used for writing by.

She put her elbows on the table and buried her face in her hands. For a long minute she didn't move.

There was a quiet knock on the door, and then Galvin walked into the chambers they shared, stopping near the door and looking at her. She pushed the chair away from the desk and stood up, turning to face him, looking worried and worn.

Galvin's eyes were ablaze, his arms crossed across his chest. For a moment, they were both silent, but the air between them crackled with tension.

Then Galvin spoke.

"You. Little. Idiot. What were you thinking? You've betrayed all of us, everyone who cares about you. You've put us all in danger. You put Gaius in the most danger of all. And you kept it from us. You're playing games with real people, you're playing these games of yours with your friends."

Callas' eyes narrowed, and she drew herself up to her full height. "I told you before, and I'll tell you again. I do what I have to do, in order to give us half a chance at victory. I was chosen for this for a reason, and part of that reason is that I'll do what is necessary, no matter what my own personal feelings are on the matter."

"And what, pray tell, were those? Did you enjoy playing the spy, Callas? Did you enjoy talking Gaius into doing something he would never have done otherwise?"

She took a hissed breath inward. "I hated every single moment of it, every time I wanted to tell you and I couldn't. Do you think I like knowing that decisions I make can and probably will get people I love killed?" Her voice rose, glass-edged. "I've never kept a secret from you before, or from Gavião!"

"Oh, truly?" His voice was low and angry. "It looks to me, ma chérie, that you have been enjoying playing the politician far too much lately. At least it looked that way out on the dance floor the other night."

"Oh, by the Name. You can't still be upset about Armand!"

"All I know is that the first chance you got, you went off by yourself with him. What, exactly, did you talk about that was so secret none of the rest of us could hear about?"

"I was bargaining for his and Aru's life! I was trying to convince him not to attack Aru, to let them both live for another day. It didn't concern the rest of you, it was a personal favor I was asking for. If anyone was going to be in debt to Armand, I wanted it to just be me, not the rest of you and not the Order."

"And what, precisely, did you use to bargain with? What do you have that's of interest to a dragon? Other than what he's been contemplating about you since the first moment he laid eyes on you? I recognize these things, you know."

"You think I offered him..." Her mouth set in a thin line. "I am not a whore, Galvin. Do not accuse me of that. I offered to dream of something for him, find out information he couldn't get any other way. He accepted. It turned out to be a moot point, but the bargain still stands between us. Yes, he did attempt to suggest that there was something else he would accept more happily. I told him that if he ever laid a hand on me, he would pull away a bloody stump, and I am more than willing to back that one up."

"Then you didn't..."

"No. Never! Goddess, how could you even think that I would! Do you know me so little? I thought, after ten years, you'd know that I'll never betray you that way!"

"What's one more betrayal, after talking Gaius into reporting all of our movements to the enemy? Callas, I have known you since we were both children. I am your Second, and your partner. Gavião is your sworn knight. Why could you not trust us? Yes, we would have argued, but in the end you're the Headmistress and could have overruled us."

Callas whirled and walked away, toward the window that looked out over Madrid. Staring out over the city, she said in a quiet, controlled voice, "Gavião was under the influence of Excalibur. You dislike deviousness. The rest might have agreed, but it would have taken work to convince them, and it had to look real for the ploy to work, for them to trust Gaius. I had to embed the lie within the truth, it was the only way Gaius would have succeeded. And Morgan le Fay must die, and this is the only way to bring her neck within the reach of our swords." She turned towards him, her face a mask of sorrow. "I knew the risk I was running when I came up with this. I knew that you and Gavião wouldn't understand, and I knew I was running the risk of getting Gaius killed. I judged the necessity too great, and the potential for us completely failing any other way too much, for me to do anything other than what I did. And I am sorry, Galvin. I carried the secret because I had to, not because I wanted to. I knew how much I risked. How much I'm still risking."

They were both silent, Callas with her eyes closed, looking exhausted and sorrowful. Galvin watched her, thinking.

"Callas."

She opened her eyes. "What?"

"You do understand why I'm angry with you, correct?"

"In your place, I wouldn't even have had this conversation. I would have walked out and have been gone, without a trace. Yes, I understand. You all have every right to be angry with me. Especially you and Gavião. I cannot regret what I did, but I'm sorry that I had to do it, and I'm sorry that it hurt you. And I don't think I'll be keeping that sort of secret from you again, no matter how difficult it might be. It was far too hard, having to guard myself around you."

Galvin nodded. "Very well." He paused, and took a breath. "I'm going to go off for a few hours. I might not return here tonight. But I will return. I wanted to hear the reasoning behind what you did. Now that I have, I have some thinking to do." He turned and opened the door, and then turned back towards Callas. "I would suggest that you find a way to apologize to Gavião. You've put his honor at risk."

"I know." She raised her hands and rubbed her temples with her fingers. "I'm not sure what I can say that would make that any better."

"You could start with 'I'm sorry'. And go from there. Goodbye, Callas. I'll be back in a while, but don't wait up." He walked out of the room and pulled the door closed behind him.

Callas dropped into a chair and pulled her knees to her chest, staring into the fire. After a while, slow tears began to trickle down her cheeks, but she didn't raise a hand to wipe them away.

An hour or so later, there was a soft knock at the door. When Callas didn't answer, Gavião quietly walked into the room. Callas was sound asleep, curled tightly in the chair in front of the fire, the light from the low flames dancing on her tear-streaked face. He stood and looked at her for a long time, seeming to be contemplating something.

He picked up a folded blanket from the foot of the bed and draped it over her, tucking it in along her sides. She stirred, pulling the blanket under her chin and sighing in her sleep.

Gavião laid a hand briefly on her hair, his eyes unreadable. Then, shaking his head a little, he walked from the room, closing the door with a soft click.

______________________________

1/3/1348
Morning
Madrid, Spain
The Temple of Epona

In the early morning, Gavião was sitting alone in the common room, sharpening a set of daggers. He was working with a meditative single-mindedness, concentrating on honing each blade to an edge that would slice into flesh as if it were butter.

Callas came into the doorway, and hesitated. She took a deep breath and padded barefoot towards Gavião, sitting across from him at the table. She had in her hands her chain mail shirt, which had a couple of holes where crossbow bolts had gotten through yesterday. She began to use the pliers-like tool she had with her to reconnect some of the rings, making note of the places where the rings were bent so far out of shape that they would need to be replaced.

She glanced sidelong at Gavião, but he said nothing for the moment. Together, they worked, the rasp of the stone against the blade and the clink of armor rings the only sounds in the room. Callas almost could have smiled; she remembered many a morning like this in the year they had spent together, before they had started traveling with the others. It was nice, to have a little quiet space to spend with the man she'd come to think of as a father. Even if she was probably going to have to have a very awkward conversation with him this morning.

Gavião paused in his sharpening, and looked at Callas, who was deliberately focusing on her armor. He said into the silence, "It wasn't a bad idea, in my estimation. In fact, it was probably necessary."

He gave the blade he was holding a few more strokes with the stone, and paused again.

"I just thought you trusted me, is all."

Callas set her mail in her lap, and looked at him. "I...I know. And I do trust you. It's just..." She sighed, and picked up the armor again, hoping that keeping her hands busy would help. "When I started this, you were under the influence of Excalibur. I didn't think you would tolerate consorting with the enemy like this. And by the time I realized that things had gotten a little out of hand, it seemed somehow too large to tell you." She sighed. "I'm sorry."

"I suppose, in your position in the world, you don't trust anyone. For good reason. Somehow I thought that I fell outside of that." Gavião had set down his dagger and was looking steadily at Callas.

"Ah, Gavião, you do. It's just...how can I explain this? Trying to turn Arumaga was bad enough. I still can't explain why I thought trying to bring him in was not just possible, but a good idea. I saw something in him that I couldn't explain even to myself, but it made me sure that it was a worthwhile effort. But, without having any real proof that he was on our side, trusting him with the life of one of our companions? It sounds insane. It felt like the right thing to do, but I'm still not sure if I can explain it. Maybe Aidan's right about me being crazy."

"You could have told me. I have never told you 'Hey! You can't do that!' But how am I supposed to protect you and now lead the war effort if I don't even know what the hell is going on? I expected better of you. I thought a year of working together would have taught you that I can't protect you if I don't know what's going on with you."

Callas closed her eyes, seeming as if she were fighting back tears. She looked down and stared unseeing at the mail in her hands, which were trembling slightly. "I..." Her voice broke, and she swallowed. "I'm sorry."

"I know. I think not telling me was a mistake. You'll have to be the judge of that, but it could have cost Gaius or Aru or someone else their life."

She nodded, still not looking at him. "I knew that was a risk. I chose to run it. Whether it was the right choice...I may never know. But I did what I thought I had to do." Her head was bowed and her shoulders pulled in, her hair falling around her face and masking her expression.

Gavião sighed. "Callas, look at me." She turned towards him, mixed emotions flickering on her face--sorrow, regret, a little bit of fear, and maybe the slightest bit of hope. "I'm disappointed with you. But I've been disappointed before. I only ask, if you trust me, to trust me entirely. I can't do my job if you're keeping secrets from me--and me not being able to do my job means you might get killed when I could otherwise prevent it. Or someone else might die who didn't need to."

"I do trust you. And you're right, no more secrets. I don't think we can afford them."

"No, I don't think we can." He picked up his dagger and sharpening stone again, drawing the blade across the stone. "I'm tired of society. I'm tired of the way it warps everyone and turns us all into jaded, untrusting jackals. I really want to get drunk until I pass out, or perhaps go back to Fiji and eat coconuts and be a hermit."

Callas quirked her mouth in a wry smile and started working on a stubborn ring in her armor. "Fiji was warm. It would be nice to not be cold all the time. But maybe getting drunk would be a better idea. I can arrange for enough whiskey to get even Armand soused, if you want."

Gavião laughed, and reached over and affectionately rumpled her hair. "It wasn't a serious request, Callas. I do have a job to do, you know, and I can't do it if I'm drunk. Speaking of, did Galvin ever come back last night? I saw him storm out of your room, but I never heard him come in."

She sighed. "Not as far as I know. I fell asleep in a chair, and someone put a blanket over me, but I don't know if it was Galvin or someone else. He said he had some thinking to do. I was going to go look for him after breakfast if I haven't seen him." Her green eyes were troubled. "I fear I've tried his patience immensely over the past few days, between Armand and now this."

"He'll recover. He's got to get that jealous streak of his under control some day, and now's as good a time as any. You don't seem too worried about the fact that he didn't come back last night."

"We've fought before. Not recently, but both of us remember. Our tempers feed on each other, and the more time we spend in each other's presence while we're angry, the worse things get. We usually spend time apart when we find ourselves fighting; it helps both of us calm down. It wasn't unusual for me to not see him for a day or so after an argument, when we were trainees. Which was a trick, since we were in classes together." The ring she'd been working on came free. "There we go. Well, at least this time neither of us tossed the other into a horse trough." She worked a new ring into the spot. "Ah, speaking of things I haven't mentioned..."

"There's more? You've been busy."

Callas bit her lip. "It's minor. But I owe Armand somewhat of a debt. I asked him not to attack Arumaga during the battle yesterday; in return, I offered to dream of something for him. He hasn't gotten back to me yet on what he wants to know about. He did suggest a certain other trade might be more preferable to him, but I turned him down. Told him that if he ever laid a hand on me, he'd pull back a bloody stump."

Gavião blinked. "You threatened a Great Wyrm?"

"Well, ah, yes. Some people don't hear a simple 'no' when it's given to them. Armand needed an unequivocal 'over my dead body'. I think the attempt was made mostly in jest, anyway, just to see how far he could get with me if he wanted. He took it too well for it to have been serious."

A silence fell over them, and this time Callas was smiling, just a little.

_______________________________________

One by one, the others wandered into the common room. Galvin was not among them, though Callas looked up hopefully every time she heard a step in the corridor outside the room. The others were talking about the upcoming trip to Cartmage, but Callas found herself sitting silent during a discussion that she usually would have been participating in.

Tamsin, who was sitting beside her, said, "Where's Galvin? Isn't he going to be joining us?"

Callas bit her lip a little before she replied. "He and I...had a bit of an argument last night. I thought he'd be back this morning, but he hasn't yet returned. I'll go look for him in a bit."

After breakfast, Callas returned to her chambers to get her cloak. The Headmaster's chambers were arranged with a large meeting room up front, and then a smaller Knight Protector's room and then the bedchamber, on the theory that the Knight Protector would want to sleep as close as possible to his or her Headmaster--the room was Gavião's by default. They usually kept all three of their cloaks and packs in his room, ready to grab at a moment's notice.

Galvin's cloak was gone, which wasn't unexpected. What was unusual was the space between Callas and Gavião's pack where Galvin's pack usually resided.

Galvin had taken his pack as well as his cloak.

Cold washed over Callas as she stood staring at the space. One word breathed out of her, as the bottom fell out of her world. "No..."

Gavião was walking towards his room when he heard an unfamiliar voice in his mind. Gavião. The voice was a light tenor with an edge of panic to it. Gavião, this is Dream. Something's wrong with Callas. I can feel her, but she's not responding to me. She was getting her cloak to go look for Galvin. I can't come in, this form doesn't handle stairs well. Find her, find out what's happened to her! It's not a waking dream, I don't know what's happened!

He swore and broke into a run. He skidded around a corner, through the outer chamber, and into his room. On the rug, in the middle of the room, was Callas, sitting with her legs folded under her and her arms wrapped tightly around herself. Her eyes were wide and blank, and she was shaking slightly.

"Callas?" He went to her, and kneeled beside her. "Callas, what is it? He glanced in the same direction that she was staring, and took a breath as he, too, saw the missing pack. "Ah, damnit, boy. This is the last thing we needed." He laid a hand lightly on her shoulder. When she didn't respond, he tightened his grip and shook her shoulder, saying roughly, "Callas, stop that this instant. Damnit, lass, talk to me!"

A long moment passed, and then Gavião saw awareness filtering back into her eyes. She looked at him, her voice small and broken-sounding. "He's gone, Gavião. He's left me." She closed her eyes, and she began to weep.

He pulled her to him, resting her head on his shoulder. She cried for long minutes, sobbing and pounding his chest with her fists. When she finally ran out of tears and simply leaned against him, trembling, he said quietly, "Dream? Is she back in contact with you?"

She is. Thank you. Take care of her; she should spend some time in physical contact with me as soon as you can get her down here. But I think the immediate crisis has passed.

Callas sniffled. "Oh, Gavião, I'm going to rust your armor. I'm sorry."

"Mithril doesn't rust, lass. Are you all right?"

She pulled away from him and gave him a small, lopsided smile. "Of course I'm not. I really feel like throwing breakable objects at stone walls right now. Or running down one of our enemies and carving out their heart. Or maybe running down Galvin and cutting out his heart. Or maybe running him down and apologizing for being an idiot and losing my temper last night." She shivered and sighed, her eyes distant. "But if he doesn't want to see me...He wouldn't have taken his pack if he were just going out for the night, and he knew we were going to Cartmage this morning..."

Gavião considered this. "He had his rods in his pack, didn't he? Perhaps he just took them to go somewhere for the night, and has been delayed getting back."

She rubbed her eyes. "Maybe. And maybe one secret was one too many. I can't even scry on him, I don't think, since we're currently all protected against scrying." She sighed. "It's a thin hope, and I'm not sure it's worth it. The only thing that might back that up..." Her voice cracked, and the tears threatened to start again, but she controlled them with an effort. "He took his bracelet with him. He didn't leave it here for me to find." A sob broke from her, and she buried her face in her hands, shivering. "Goddess, Gavião, what am I going to do?"

He slid a hand under her chin and lifted it, making her look at him. "You're going to go down to the stables and spend some time with Dream. And then we'll go to Cartmage. I am so sorry, Callas. I had hoped that he wouldn't break your heart."

She nodded and wiped her face with one hand. "I thought I knew that he never would. But I suppose it's no more than I deserve." She rose to her feet, grabbing her cloak from its peg and walking swiftly to the door, pulling it around her shoulders. She paused in the doorway and looked back at Gavião. "Come get me when it's time to go." Then she walked down the hall, her booted feet ringing on the stone.

An hour or so later, the companions were all gathered in the stableyard, all except Galvin and Callas. Callas came out of the stables, riding Dream.

Gavião had told them all what had happened, so nobody asked where Galvin was. Her eyes swept the group, seeming to see them without truly looking at them. She might have been a marble statue, for all the emotion that she was showing. And despite the cold, her cloak was thrown back over her shoulders, and her hands were bare, resting on Dream's neck.

She said, in a quiet voice, "To Cartmage, then, good gentles. Shall we go?" And without waiting for an answer she and Dream turned and rode out of the stableyard.

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