1/3/1348
Madrid

Some day, my head will stop spinning.

I'm not sure it's going to be any time soon, however.

To say today has been a difficult one would be an the understatement of the century. I'm writing tonight in the common room, because my own room seemed just too quiet, without knowing that Galvin's coming in any time soon. Somehow, tonight, I need the rhythm of our shared life to comfort me.

Goddess knows there seems to be no comfort coming from anywhere else.

Last night, I fought with Galvin over the Gaius and the council thing; at least, the fight started out there but ended up being more about me and Armand. Galvin holds on so tightly, as if he's afraid that I'm going to slip away; he imagined that because I was flirting with Armand that I'd actually offered myself to him!

Not likely. I trust Armand about as far as I can spit him, maybe a little less. Yes, he's a flirt; yes, he made a more-or-less blatant suggestion that he would take me in exchange for something I wanted him to do for me. I deal with Armand as Headmistress, not as Callas--he is an ally, not a friend. I turned him down flat and promised to back my refusal up with steel if he didn't believe me.

Even if I were free to consider his offer, Armand's not my type. Too flamboyant, too blatant; I've noticed I tend to gravitate more towards the subtle types.

Anyway, Armand drives Galvin absolutely up the wall, so we mostly fought about that. He stalked out, and I curled up in front of the fire and, though I hate to admit it, I basically cried myself to sleep. Someone, probably Gavião, came in and put a blanket over me.

And I dreamed of the Council; Morgan, Arumaga, and Lazlo talking. Teryl redecorated the front gates of Versailles in "early catastrophe", as Arumaga put it. I have to admit that it was deeply amusing to watch Aru baiting Morgan. Unexpectedly, he seems to have a sense of humor; I could just tell he was having a good time watching Morgan turn twenty different shades of red.

Then Lazlo noticed me.

And I fell.

The world was flame, and I was helpless in it. I felt my body begin to burn as I attempted to jump out of wherever I'd fallen, but I couldn't move. I fought, but fruitlessly, pain wracking my body. I took a deep breath to scream and the flames licked at the inside my throat. I know what death feels like and I knew it was coming for me. I closed my eyes and everything went black.

I woke, still in the dream realm, in a quiet, snowy place. Dream was hovering over me, packing snow around me, my skin melting the snow as quickly as he could bring it to me. He told me that Lazlo had thrown me into an abyss realm and then hidden me from him (which is a trick, since the familiar bond cannot be blocked by much, and even then not for very long). He looked so sad and scared, my sweet grey-eyed boy. I've never asked him, but sometimes I think he's as young as I am, and he's as new at his job as I am at mine. And I think that both of us share that uncertainty about being up to the burdens that have been given to us.

He told me that it was a good thing I'd fallen unconscious rather than woken up. Had I woken, my physical body would have changed to match the state of my dream body, burned and broken. Because I stayed in the dream realm, my dream body rewrote itself back to the state I remembered it being in, causing me to heal much more quickly than I would otherwise.

We stayed there in the Alps for a while, my body finally cooling off. Dream helped me sit up, and for a long time we sat silently, leaning against each other. It was peaceful, just us and the mountains and the sky. Finally, I was free of the last of the pain, and we both got slowly to our feet. I knew it was near morning, and it was time to go, but Dream seemed a little reluctant. I asked him, "What is it?"

He was carefully avoiding my gaze. "I let you get hurt. I'd promised that I'd never let anything happen to you in the dream realm. I'm your protector here as Gavião is in the physical world, and I failed. I am sorry."

"Ah, Dream." I put my hand on his shoulder. "Nobody is perfect. Like I said before, no real harm done; we got lucky, and now we'll both know to avoid Lazlo for the time being."

He looked at me sidelong, his eyes reflecting the snow and looking almost metallic silver. "I hope you're right, Callas. I hope you don't have cause to regret your choice of me."

"Never." He put his hand on top of mine, on his shoulder, and we looked at each other for a moment. Then I said, "It's about time to go home."

"It's almost morning...and I think you need to have a talk with Gavião."

I sighed. "Yes. I do. As much as I'm not looking forward to it."

I woke stiff and sore, with aching eyes and a dry throat.

And then I went and had a conversation with Gavião.

That was much more difficult than the fight with Galvin. With Galvin, I was able to get angry, my temper rising to meet his. Honestly, that was a lot easier to deal with than Gavião's disappointment. For someone who's never had children of his own, he's got the fatherly guilt trip thing down cold. And, yes, I do know that keeping secrets from him endangers me. It was what I had to do, though, and so I did it. I certainly don't feel good about it, at this point, but then I never did.

After breakfast, I pulled on my boots and went to grab my coat to look for Galvin, who hadn't come back like he said he would. I was starting to get a little worried, even though heading out for the night when he's mad is something he used to do all the time, when we were trainees. We argued passionately, even back then, and he usually headed for the nearest forest to spend the night when he was angry. I once asked him what he did, out in the forest all night. He said, "I sit in a tree and look at the stars. Looking at things that are eternal reminds me that everything here is temporary. It's calming, to realize that."

I was confused by that statement when he made it, but I think I understand it better now.

Anyway, I went to get my cloak...and saw that Galvin had taken both his pack and his cloak. The cloak wasn't unexpected, but he *never* took anything along with him when he went out for the night. That pack being gone as much as announced that he wasn't planning on coming back.

The bottom fell out of the world.

I went...away. For a while.

I came back to find Gavião shaking me, and then I'm afraid I burst into tears. Poor Gavião. I've tried to keep the emotional outbursts to a minimum lately, but sometimes something happens that's just a bit overwhelming.

Dream was there, as he could be. With his help, I pulled myself together enough to get down to the stables and shut myself into his stall, whereupon I promptly broke down again. After that storm had passed, I realized that this wasn't going to work; I have a job to do, and I can't do it if I'm randomly bursting into tears. And I didn't have the luxury of wallowing, since we were supposed to be off to Cartmage this morning.

For a long time, I lay quietly with Dream, who was curled up around me as much as he could in horse form. Silently, he showed me how to make a space in my soul to pour the pain into, to keep it for later. He told me that this is only a temporary fix, that I was going to have to grieve sometime, but this would help me carry it while I did my job.

It was then that I noticed the cold seeping into my soul, the same cold I've been fighting for weeks. I finally gave into it. I closed my eyes and willed it to still me, to numb the pain so I could get up and keep going.

Dream asked, are you sure this is wise? His voice was worried.

"No, I'm not. But it's the only way."

His silence was the only response.

A while after that, we were off to Cartmage. It turns out that Lazlo has also been messing with my dreams; something I've had multiple dreams about turned out to be nothing more than a ruse to keep us away from Cartmage until the seventh. Thank the gods Riyor was worried about his parents and insisted that even if nobody else was going, he was.

Lazlo had set a trap in a cavern below the castle in Cartmage; with the Grail as bait, four orbs as detonating devices, and many, many explosives along the walls. And Riyor's parents as hostages. On the walls of the cavern, words were written: "The bearer and the Ark are linked; destroy one, destroy the other."

When I heard that, later, I shivered with premonition.

It turns out that Lazlo was going to attempt to kill Epona on the seventh, so had set up the dreams to distract us on that day in specific. Fortunately, Mother usually listens to me when I talk to her, so now she knows this, too, and will avoid him.

Aidan and Arnie protected Riyor's parents and then triggered the trap. We ended up being able to retrieve the Grail and all four orbs. (Arnie keeps referring to the Grail as "the mug". This amuses me to no end, for no reason I can really explain.) Then I asked Aidan to contact the Ark for me, since I wanted to know about the bearer. Aidan grumbled, saying that the Ark is very boring, but did so.

And my father appeared before us.

I couldn't speak, standing stunned as he appeared before us in that black armor and the sword I remember being taken away from us, one day when I was very small. I felt Gavião's hands on my shoulders as he steadied me. The others asked him questions; it turns out that he is far, far older than I ever imagined, and he was Epona's lover when she was still a mortal, at the time that she became a goddess. To confer immortality on him, she tied his soul into the most powerful artifact she could find, the Ark of the Covenant. He became the Bearer of the Ark, the immortal guardian of what may be one of the most powerful artifacts ever created. When the Ark is in danger, he is called to defend it.

His body lies in a prison somewhere, but his soul is killing the drow who are trying to get into the Ark, day after day.

If we destroy the Ark, the years will catch up with him all at once.

And he will die.

My hand may well be the one that slays him.

I shivered as I looked at him, feeling the cold in my soul crack as my sorrow threatened to overwhelm me. Without thinking, I reached out for Galvin, forgetting he was gone, discovering the empty space beside me anew.

I closed my eyes. Took a breath. Invited the cold in a little deeper. And went to talk to my father.

We had so little time, and there was no time to ask the thousands of questions I have for him. I'd suspected that he was something other than what he'd seemed to be, but had no idea that he was so old. I wanted to know where he was from, all the names he's had, what it's like to be my mother's love. I wanted to tell him about Gemma, how alone she is. I wanted to ask him if all of his and Epona's children are seers, like me and Gemma. I wanted to know if we have any other living siblings.

I didn't get a chance to ask any of that. I did tell him about Gemma, and told him that I was planning on getting her out of Morgan's grasp as soon as I could. And he told me that I was doing the right thing, walking this thin line through the shadows.

That statement nearly undid me, being so close to something Galvin told me a few nights ago. I looked into my father's eyes and wondered if, when it comes time to make the decision I'm going to need to make, if I'm going to be strong enough to make the right choice.

Only time will tell.

My father went back to the Ark, and I went and leaned against Dream for a few minutes.

Gaius tilted his head, looking very confused about something. He said, "There's a new gate that just came online in the...well, sort of the Alps. And it's connecting to the Cartmage gate." Given that as far as we know, only one person in the world can currently create gates and he's well hidden, this was indeed cause for concern.

We went to the Cartmage gate to check it out. Turns out that someone had been building a new gate, and when it came online someone triggered it and then left it on, constantly connected. This was because the person who'd connected it had been shot a number of times and died before they could get into the circle.

The body happened to be that of a drow named Zadok, who used to work for Lazlo. I questioned his soul for a little bit and discovered that he'd been sent to find Tarn, another council member, and after he had he was no longer any use to Lazlo and so Lazlo had him killed.

Lazlo is currently at number one on my very long list of people who annoy me. (Duchela is occupying the number two position.) He is going to have a very bad day, the next time I see him.

Fortunately, Lazlo's murder of Zadok was actually useful to us, because it meant that we could re-body Aidan. Aidan is dangerous when he's bodiless. Insane and invulnerable is a really bad combination.

The new gate was in a place called The Place Between, which was very confusing because the Matterhorn was every single direction you looked--north, south, east, and west. The orcs were excavating a mountain, looking for an artifact, and a bunch of people were working on a ship that I'd seen in a waking dream a couple of days ago--a black-winged ship with an angel as a figurehead, named the ArcAngel. Riyor went ahead of us to look at things, and the rest of us split up--Tamsin, Gaviao, Gaius and I went to look at the ship, and the rest went to see what was up in the mountain. They managed to dig up the artifact that the orcs had been after--a dwarven ax.

And on board the ship...were Seraphim's bones.

Tamsin said later, "I just couldn't resist. I had to steal them." That got Duchela's attention in a big hurry. She happened to be in the area, as was Tarn, the black dragon who was actually having the ship built. We basically ran like hell back to the gate, Duchela hard on our heels. She took out the gate so we couldn't go anywhere, Aidan decided that Tarn's body would be a fun one to be in for a while, and Duchela smacked us around for a bit. Tamsin turned into an umber hulk and dug a tunnel so we could escape, and we found another gate to go through.

Aidan tossed out a bunch of those exploding crystals that he uses all the time and we scrammed, blowing that gate behind us. We popped back to Cartmage and picked up the horses, and then went back to Madrid.

And here we are, still in possession of Seraphim's bones, which means we'll know when Duchela (who's still his master) sends him out. I delayed dealing with Order business until I could take a bath and try to soak some of the day's trouble off of me, and then went and dealt with the various things that needed decisions. Mostly minor stuff, nothing huge happened while we were gone, thank goodness.

While I was doing that, a messenger came in and talked briefly to Gavião. He told me he'd be right back. When he returned, his eyes were grave. He said, "You can stop feeling sorry for yourself about Galvin leaving you now, and start feeling sorry for yourself for another reason entirely, Callas."

He told me that he'd sent someone to track Galvin. While I'd point-blank refused to scry on him, i'd never said anything about Gavião using what means were at his disposal to find him, so he did.

It turns out that Gavião was right. Galvin didn't leave with the intent of not coming back. He was captured by Nikodemus, and is now being held somewhere north of the Arctic Circle.

I thought my heart was going to fly apart. Galvin didn't leave me! But having him be gone of his own free will's almost better than him being in the hands of our enemies. This is the second time he's been captured. It is damned dangerous to be close to me, it seems.

Joy, relief, terror, anger, sorrow; the ice around my soul cracked and melted against the onslaught. I heard a snapping sound and discovered that I'd broken the pen I held in my hand cleanly in half. I dropped the pen on the table and rose to my feet. Gavião said, "I sent Marcus to track him this morning; when he reported that there was a fight with a dragon and the dragon had evidently taken him, I charged him with tracking Galvin and rescuing him if he could."

I stared at him. "You've known all day, and you didn't tell me?"

"I thought you didn't need one more distraction."

I sighed and dropped back into the chair, rubbing my eyes with one hand. "You're right. I hate to admit it, but you're right."

If Galvin were to appear here right now, I'd be torn between wanting to kiss him until we both ran out of breath and wanting to slap him silly for getting himself captured by the enemy. Maybe I'd manage to do both.

But...at least he didn't intend to leave. A tiny little hope lodges in my soul, something about maybe I don't deserve to be abandoned, after all.

Of course, we still have to actually get Galvin back. But he's alive, and should be unharmed as long as they think he can be useful to them. I hope, at least.

But that means that I have a decision to make. Rescue Galvin, or destroy the Ark--we're about out of time on the Ark, I think, tomorrow may be our last chance to get to it before they do. We could ransom Galvin, give them Obould for him, but that would lose us our chance of getting Gemma out of Versailles before the month is out.

And it is becoming increasingly clear to me that if we can't get Gemma out, I may have to kill her. My entire soul screams against it, and yet it may be a choice between killing her or staying out of the dream realm altogether--and at this point, I can't do the latter. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't have enough control to not dream. The dreams are invading my waking life more and more often. I don't think the others are noticing too much yet, but I certainly am.

I'm probably going to have to kill my father, though indirectly, by destroying the Ark. The Fates would be entirely too cruel to force me to kill my sister in cold blood.

I need to speak to Mother about my father tonight. There is a chance, a slim one, that she may be able to transfer the bond he has with the Ark to Aidan, who is both an artifact and invulnerable. That is, if I can talk Aidan into accepting it, which is by no means a sure thing.

If that chance does not pan out...the Ark is too dangerous to allow to continue to exist. And though I know She knows that I may have to do this, has probably known from the beginning, I will still have to face Her wrath. Though I am one of the few people in the world who has a chance of surviving Her anger, it's still not going to be very pleasant.

Not to mention that the thought of being the cause of Papa's death is almost enough to drive me to my knees in pain. All I can think of is all the times he took me out into the fields with him, me riding the plow horse while he worked. All of the times I was happy as a child, every single time I felt like I was where I belonged, and he was beside me every time. All these years of hoping against hope that he was still alive, and when I finally see him again I learn that I may have to kill him.

How am I going to live with myself?

And then...

If it is war they wish, it is war they will have. Tonight, before I sleep, I will contact Tennant and ask him for the name of the former Headmaster of Cernannos. An internal power struggle between those who were once of the Order of Cernannos and the original Morrigan clerics might keep them busy for a while. I might even be able to talk the former Headmaster of Airmid into helping with that. And we have Jaenus' army; it might distract Morgan if her clerics kept, say, dying every time they wander off by themselves.

Distract Morgan, keep her off-balance; she isn't expecting us to strike back quite so soon, I think. I am beginning to lose hope that I'm going to be able to force Duchela to cooperate with us on a cure for the plague; the best chance we may have is to capture her long enough for Aidan to riffle through her mind and absorb the details of how she put the plague together. I'm not certain that without Endraya's guidance we could get the information she needs.

I am hoping for the best, but it is time to start preparing for the worst. To that end, I am drafting some new orders for the entire Temple, to be sent out in a few days' time. First, as Gavião suggested, I am going to reinstate Marcus as Head Druid of Epona, ranked above the regional Headmasters but still below me, and he'll have charge of all of the former Sucellus clerics. Gavião says that Marcus is trustworthy, and he simply doesn't believe that I have the experience required to lead the Order. I'll trust Gavião on this one; his advice hasn't led me astray yet.

The second part of the orders are more difficult. If we do not manage to stop the plague, we are going to have to abandon the large Temples, as all of them are located in the middle of cities. Once the weather warms up and the plague begins to take hold, all of our clerics will be sent out in groups of five or ten, and each group should include at least one druid. They will go to the most remote places they can find and build small churches, and then wait.

In two years, we will reconvene and begin rebuilding. At that point, most of the plague should be past. Scatter us to the four winds and hope that some of us take root in whatever ground we find; that is our best chance of survival for the next few years. And hope that there are at least a few leaders of the Order left alive at the end of that time, to put us all back together.

I have no hope that I will be one of those left alive. If I survive the next two months, I will be extraordinarily surprised. Each day now is a gift, and I have no time to waste. There is too much to do and time indeed grows short.

I worry about Dream, and about Galvin and Gavião, and Riyor and Gaius and Tamsin, and Arnie and Aidan, this odd herd that has gathered around me. I worry about Tennant, who carries a heavier burden than we know. I worry about Strawberries, though perhaps that worry's a bit misplaced.

And I worry about Aru. I think I am going to take a look tonight in the archives; we should have something written about him and his wife, Beatrice. If I'm lucky, there may even be a portrait of the two of them, so I can finally see Beatrice when her throat's not being cut. I hate that to be my only image of *anyone*.

I wish there were time to go sit and have tea with Aru. Perhaps tomorrow night, in dreams; tonight, I have many places to go and possibly not enough time to visit them all. I need to visit the Ark and find out how much more time we might have. Of course I'm going to go visit Galvin, to see where he's being held and make sure he's all right. I need to visit with Gemma, and try to learn some of the secrets of screening out false dreams. I need to find out more about Lazlo, though I can't really look at him directly. Perhaps, if there's time, I'll look in on Tennant, and see how he's faring.

I will give our enemies the war they seem so set upon having.

And I shall sow salt above each of their graves.

Here's to the hope that, somehow, I will be able to live with the things I have done.

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