1/5/1348
Madrid, Spain
afternoon

I wrote the date at the top of this page and then just sat and looked at it for a long time.

How could I even begin to write about today?

The fifth of January, 1348. The day I killed my father.

As much as I know this was necessary, as much as I know that it was long, long past time for this to happen, as much as I know that Mother will forgive me, I am still desolate. I knew that it was going to come down to my choice, and I was braced for the consequences, but every fresh wound hurts more than the ones that came before.

And as much as I want to scream and cry that it's not fair--well, life's not fair. And as much as it wasn't fair that I was the one who had to make the choice, it's always been my responsibility to make it.

It's raining torrents in Madrid tonight. And behind the shushing sound of the rain and the growling thunder I can hear the very edges of great howling sobs, and I know that I am not alone in my grief tonight. My mother had warning that this was going to happen, and she regretted regretted her choice to drag my father through the millennia with her. But we're never really prepared for the deaths of our loved ones.

Her lover, my father, whose broad shoulders I rode on endlessly as a small child. The ending of a story whose beginnings have passed beyond mortal reckoning. I and Gemma are the last of their children, as far as I know.

The plain on which the Ark stood was just as I'd dreamed it--surrounded by drow, many of them dozing, waiting for night. They weren't even guarding the Ark, probably because the thing guarded itself so effectively, but they were guarding a pair of wooden coffins nearby--Corison and Brena's bodies, prepared by Dushela to attempt to penetrate the shield around the Ark. I and Galvin went into Sanctuary, the rest went invisible, and we walked up to the line in the grass that was the outside edge of the shield around the Ark.

I shivered, and fingered the orb I'd brought with me. I'd asked Strawberries if she'd be willing to give me her orb to use on the Ark--it seemed fitting, for the most powerful orb currently in existence to be the destroyer of the most powerful artifact ever created. I told her that I wouldn't do it without her permission, but that I thought that it might be time to become a goddess again.

She looked at me for a long time before she answered. She ran a hand through that brilliant red hair, her eyes troubled. Finally, she sighed. "Yes. It's probably time, at that. It's been interesting, being a human again, and there are certain compensations..." Her eyes flicked towards the room she shares with Riyor. "...but I have some unfinished business that I can't accomplish as I am." I nodded, and the silence between us stretched into a minute or two. Strawberries looked into the fire, her mind obviously far away. She finally said, "I knew this wouldn't last long. But it needed to happen, anyway. Sometimes, I'm much more bound by fate than you are."

"If it's any consolation, my lady, I am sorry."

She smiled wryly. "Oh, don't think you'll have seen the last of me. I'll be around." She stood up and walked to the door, glancing back over her shoulder. "I'll give you the orb before you go. I'll stay here with Riyor, today." She paused, her hand on the lintel. "Good luck, by the way."

"Coming from you, Strawberries..."

She flashed that brilliant grin at me. "I know. But you love me anyway, don't you?" Before I could answer, she ducked out the door, and I heard her soft footsteps padding down the hallway. I shook my head. And, true to her word, right before we left she handed me a leather bag, tied tightly at the top.

Such a small thing, to contain the power that it does. I wanted it away from me, and I wanted what I would have to do today to be over with.

In retrospect, it was probably a mistake to trust that Aiden would know what it was he'd need to do once he got to the Ark. Considering that I had no idea what would happen when he did, though, I can't see how we could have changed the outcome. He walked through the shield with no problem, and the guardian--my father--paid no attention to him. I'd attempted to talk Aiden out of opening the Ark, but he wanted to see what was inside, so he opened it. I saw a look of frustration on his face as he peeked in and then tried to close it again; it wouldn't let him. He spoke sharply to it, something like "I want you to close!"

And the shield around the Ark dropped. I groaned quietly as every single one of the drow who were hanging out on the plain decided that now would be the opportune time to try to get their hands on the Ark.

A couple of things happened in the next few seconds. Arnie whipped out that axe he got a few days ago and started killing drow. Gavião cast a protection circle and quite calmly walked up to the Ark, and I followed him, my stomach knotted. Tamsin took off, I think to investigate the coffins and see if there was anything that could be done, and Galvin followed me, guarding my back with both swords drawn. Aiden was standing next to the Ark, ignoring the drow running towards him, arguing with it.

I had a clear shot and, without even thinking, took it, hurling the orb at the Ark--

--which was caught in my father's hand.

He said, dispassionately, "I have to guard the Ark against all attacks. That counts as one. Sorry, daughter." And then tossed the orb back to me.

Father and I stood looking at each other for a few seconds that seemed to last an eternity. Then Gaius hit him, coming shimmering out of invisibility. And stunned him. And I knew that now was the only chance I'd ever have to end this, one way or another.

I stepped past my father, taking a long look at him, my heart thudding in my chest. Gavião's circle now extended right up to the Ark, and now I was there, as well.

The Ark simply sat there. The most powerful artifact in the world, that could do for me anything I ever wanted, including save my father and win this war. I hesitated.

It seemed that the whole world held its breath.

I remembered that the Ark twists what it gives you in direct proportion to what you ask of it. I remembered that the Ark has its own sense of what is right, and a nasty sense of humor. And I remembered my mother's voice ringing in my mind. But either way you will have to do what your conscience tells you and deal with the consequences.

And I didn't want that power. For every part of me that simply wanted my father back, there was another part that rejected the notion of having the power to do so, knowing what the consequences were likely to be.

Gavião said, "Callas." A warning note in his voice.

I decided. Whispered, "I'm sorry, Father." And touched Aine's orb to the Ark.

The Ark exploded in a silent burst of golden light. I turned, looking at where my father had stood a moment before, where now no one stood. I felt Galvin's hands on my shoulders and not much else, numb with shock.

I don't remember much of the trip back--I have merely flashes, still pictures--the others picking up the coffins with the bodies in them, Galvin and I on Dream, Galvin holding me steady as we rode back towards the gate, the flash of the gate as we transited back to Madrid.

Even now, my hands are shaking. When I came out of my shock, Galvin held me as I wept, letting me cry myself out. When I was wrung dry of tears, I asked for some time to write, since I know that if I don't do it now, I never will. So when I'm done, I'll go out and join the others, surround myself with life to counteract the grief I'm feeling.

I'll find out if Aine's back, or if destroying her orb had some side effect we hadn't anticipated. We'll hold two funerals, one for one of the very few men Gavião has ever trusted, the other for a woman who burned far too bright and far too quickly.

Right now, the pain feels very large but also very far away. There are some things that the human mind insulates itself from, I think, and perhaps this is one of them for me, for the moment.

I will myself to feel this pain, this guilt, so I may learn how to bear it.

I am sorry, Father. I wasn't strong enough to bear the consequences of opening the Ark, so I destroyed it, and you, instead. I am so, so sorry. I cannot regret the choice I made, but I can wish that I would not have been forced to make it.

Right now, the temptation to put all of this down, turn over the Headmaster position to someone else, and use my set of rods to simply disappear is very, very strong. How can anyone be expected to hold this much sorrow?

Evidently, I am.

May I be equal to the task I have been set. Because, right now, I don't know if I am.

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