12/28/1347
Madrid, again

Tuck is dead.

The words...don't seem real. I write them and I reread them, but it seems like someone else wrote them, a long time ago. We're back in Madrid, and though I *am* happy that we prevailed today, we did so at the price of a friend.

I hadn't had any idea how used I'd gotten to his voice in my mind. We've literally spent since October together, almost every moment. Tuck was delighted to have a wielder who was actually interested in talking with him, and I needed a friend who wasn't Gavião (because, as much as I love Gavião at this point, he's not really the "girl talk" type). He taught me songs both filthy and not (nobody has yet heard my rendition of "The Widow and the Devil" yet, and with any luck nobody ever will), told me stories about his days with Robin and the rest, crudely propositioned me on a number of occasions, and sometimes demanded to be dunked in a tankard of beer. He was that kind of friend.

The place where he was in my mind is empty, and when I reach out my hand for the staff reflexively, my hand touches air and nothing else.

I know that, officially, he was already dead. I know that it's simply that his soul isn't bound to this plane any more. But he's gone, and that's what makes the difference.

It's not fair. Does everyone I love have to be taken away from me?

Perhaps it's something of an exchange. I find out that my father is alive, and Tuck dies the next day.

Maybe if I retell what happened, it will start to make more sense to me.

I woke early this morning from my dreams--not so much "woke" as "was thrown"--someone tried to kill me in my dreams. A shadowy form, the same one as the one before, reached her hand into my chest and squeeze my heart, but changed her mind for some reason. I woke up and my chest was covered in blood, but my skin was unbroken. I think I gave Galvin a good scare.

Salient points from last night were that there was a monk I needed to go talk to somewhere in Egypt, Ireland is a battleground (that damned redhead had better have a good explanation, or she's going to see exactly what it's like when I lose my temper--and I haven't done that since I was initiated), and my father...my father is alive.

Papa is alive.

I was told he'd died in a prison riot, but the words didn't ring true. I've been waiting all these years for him to come home, and he never did. now to find out that he was locked up all this time, and now he's chained to a pillar somewhere in Europe, tirelessly guarding the entrance to...something. what, I'm not sure. He was killing drow like there was no tomorrow, so I'm assuming it's a good thing that he's there and guarding.

But I don't know what happened to him. I'm not even sure if he's entirely human any more.

The first thing we needed to do was go find the monk in Giza. He'd indirectly disobeyed an order from Lord Baile, and I had a feeling I needed to find out who he was and why he'd do that. after a bit of a rough introduction, we sorted things out and it turned out that he was actually a monk of Aine, who is the goddess of love, luck, and trickery, and he'd been working undercover in the employ of Baile.

It makes me wonder if Epona has spies. Things to remember to talk to Endraya about.

Anyway, he had some samples of the new and not-so-improved plague, which kills all creatures and people who have any sort of magic, which I gave to Endraya tonight for her to work on. If she can, she'll find a cure. I hope, at least, otherwise this is all going to be for nothing.

Stuff happened with the gates we were near, but since it was Gaius relaying what was going on, I didn't quite understand what exactly was going on until we were suddenly in a place called Fiji. (I really need to be careful what I wish for. I wanted to go somewhere warm, but I didn't have an island out in the middle of nowhere in mind. I *did* have warm toes for the first time in forever, though.) It turned out Arumaga was trying to get us out of the way for a bit while the council did some things that we'd otherwise interfere with.

I know what happened to him, now. His wife was killed by people posing as clerics of Epona, and in his rage he killed his own son and every living soul in the temple he was Headmaster of. I'm guessing that it was Morrigan directly who ordered the murder, and they were counting on the fact that he fights against his dragon nature instead of working with it to remove him from the game--or sway him to their side.

And it worked.

He's on the edge. We're either going to be his death or his salvation, I think, and I have no idea which it's going to be. I told him, before he left, that three hundred and fifty years of penance was enough, and that if he ever wanted to come back, he could. He told me it was too late, but maybe I've planted a seed in his mind. Maybe. If we're all really lucky. after all, it wasn't just anyone who said that, it was the Headmistress of the entire order--as much good as that does me most days. Maybe he'll take me a little more seriously, because of that.

It turns out that all of our records about the incident where Arumaga turned to Morrigan have been expunged from our records--probably taken somewhere where we lock up all of the really dark secrets. The few things I've been able to find that refer to it indirectly seem to be deeply embarrassed about the whole thing, which is such bullshit. They should have been angry, they should have been grieving, they should have been investigating! I don't have all the answers yet, but I'm guessing that someone inside the temple of Epona was responsible for letting it happen. The fault lies with Morrigan, but I get the sense that there was a failure on our part, too. At least, that seems to be what the upper echelons of the order believed.

And, yes, I'm angry at Arumaga, too. For an incredibly clever dragon, he's not so much with the rational thought about the whole thing. Yes, he's been punishing himself for over three centuries, but he's also run away from all culpability for his actions, directly into the arms of Morrigan. He knows he'll have to meet with Epona after he dies, and yet he's been courting Death Herself all of these years. And, now, it'll take an act of incredible courage on his part in order to come back. He wants to, I can feel it in my bones--at least some part of him has been waiting for someone to show him the way home.

I can forgive him. I don't know if he's capable of forgiving himself.

(There is, however, the interesting thought that the council's probably going to believe that he's betrayed them. Perhaps that will be another push tipping him back over to Epona? We can only hope.)

We managed to get the Fiji gate working again after a few hours, and went back to Giza, where it turned out that the super-gate we'd left on standby had just been used to transport people to the realm of Belanus, the sun god. Ooops. We interfered, of course. Successfully, this time, though at a heavy cost to our artifacts. That's when Tuck died--Baile threw an orb at me and I didn't manage to dodge. Those damned orbs are attracted to artifacts like crows to corpses.

Belanus was grateful that we'd basically saved him (brought him back from unconsciousness, to be exact--it was a *very* near thing, how near I'm glad we'll never find out). He granted a boon to each of us--he freed Gavião from the influence of Excalibur, gave Aiden a body, told Arnie where to find the treasure of an ancient gold dragon who's just died, and gave me what may be the key to turning Arumaga--proof exists that Morrigan was behind the murder of his wife, and I need to find it.

And told Gaius that if he's ever offered the chance to be on the council, he should take it.

It made me realize that I've been watching Gaius very carefully for the past week or two, after dreaming that he'd betrayed us, looking for signs that it was coming true. Now, reframed, it's no longer necessarily betrayal. But it might be, in the end. We'll see. Along with a few other pieces of information, I can almost see the entire picture. Not quite, though--there's always Gaius himself that's something of a wild factor.

Oh! I almost forgot the other interesting thing that happened. (Meeting a god seems to be top on my list of Most Distracting Things Ever.) Aiden, in the process of getting the Ankh of Osiris, freed an Egyptian sorceress named Tamsin, who's decided to tag along with us. She wasn't a lot of help today, considering that she'd been dead for three thousand years, but it'll be nice to have a strong non-clerical magic-user with us. Gaius isn't too bad at it, but Nabila, if we end up fighting her, is going to take some major magic thrown her way.

Tamsin also seems to believe that horses are a new and improved model of camel. The horses are all laughing at her behind her back, but I told them to be nice.

I feel better about Excalibur, now that it's released its hold on Gavião. He seems to be quickly returning to his old self, which is a relief.

We're back in Madrid, now, and tomorrow's going to be busy--we need to see if Amassa (the Aine monk we picked up in Egypt) wants to go somewhere where he won't be found for a while, first of all. I need to talk to Endraya about the spies I now suspect we have and see if they can't be given the task of finding that proof that I need, as I can't imagine that walking into a Morrigan temple and asking for their records would go over really well.

I'm meeting Tennant tomorrow morning, because I need to know whatever I can about Nabila, her father, Modred, and Morgan le Fay, who seem to be the most immediate threats. I know we probably can't turn Morgan le Fay (especially since I have the very strong feeling that Modred needs to die), but maybe Nabila has a handle we can get a hold of. It seems like the right thing to do, to try and turn as many of them as we can without killing them. We're still walking through the grey areas, and the less we employ their tactics, the better off we are.

It may make for strange bedfellows, eventually. Tennant, by himself, is odd, but if we're joined by others?

And I still feel the deaths I've seen weigh on my soul, the innocents that have been killed in the last few days, the death of Tuck, all of this blood on my hands. But adding more blood to the scales may not be the correct way to balance things.

The key to these people will be finding out what they love other than power. Arumaga loved his family more than life itself. Tennant turned out to have second thoughts after inheriting a conscience from Sucellus. What do Nabila and her father love, other than power and blood? What does Morgan le Fay live for now, if not power--Arthur has been dust for centuries, so surely her revenge is complete? She does seem to love her son (ew, ew, EW, by the way--seems that incest is less of a one-time deal for her than it is a way of life), but...surely there were signs of rebellion in Mordred, as well.

We should probably detour to pick up Arnie's treasure, since I have a feeling we may need Strawberries sometime soon. (Though we might be surprised at what she'd do for free. Hm. Riyor seems reluctant to ask, for some reason.) And then, I hope, it's off to Ireland at least briefly to find out what the Headmistress there has been doing that's resulted in all-out war between the temples of Morrigan and Epona there. I do plan on listening to her explanation before scolding her. Well, mostly. And there's a horse that I seem to need to meet. We may need to split up; I'm not sure if there's anything that we all need to be in Ireland for, and if the rest want to go get the treasure while Gavião and Galvin and I see what's what in Ireland, that may be the best in the interest of time.

And tonight...I'm not wearing even the one amulet. (Galvin's taken his off, as well.) I'm going to see if I can control my dreams. I want to chase down the person who tried to kill me last night, and see who she is and why she's working for Morgan le Fay. I want to watch Arumaga some more and see if the council thinks he's betrayed them.

And I want to see if I can make myself visible and audible, and go visit my father. At least, he's the person I most want to talk to right now. The fact that he's alive pulls at my mind, and I don't know why he is where he is--or even, precisely, where in the world he is.

And tonight I sleep without Tuck's cheerful voice echoing in my mind, and without the staff within reach. I feel a little less safe in the world, now.

Goodnight, diary. Hopefully, I'll live through tomorrow.

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